Zimbabwe

Tara protecting from Famine and Poverty has gone to Zimbabwe. This is a country badly in need of help, blessing and protection. There is so much suffering through poverty, disease and the oppressive regime of Mugabe. The friend who has gone has been a Tara practitioner for many years and is not afraid to meet and engage with suffering: she will bring a big heart of compassion to whoever she meets. It is very difficult to expose ourselves and be exposed to suffering on a massive scale and most people, myself included, are afraid to. To be able to meet it, handle it and respond appropriately takes a strong and very stable mind. The kind of mind that training in the Dharma gives you, but not necessarily straight away.

It is quite shocking to realise how many people there are in the world suffering huge hardship and difficulties; how much disease there is, how much war, how much poverty and starvation, displacement... things most of us don't experience in the West. Sometimes the relative comfort of my own life sits uneasily on shoulders that perhaps could bear more of the burden. To be able to comfort and help people who are not in a position to do that for themselves is a very great thing.

So now I am left with Tara protecting from Sickness, and the final Tara. But the journey will not be over once these two find their homes. Tara will continue to spread her blessings throughout the world as others take small statues with them on their own journeys. Whilst this isn't part of the original plan, it's a wonderful offshoot and extension. To date, one is going to Italy, one to the Congo and one to Sierra Leone. Anyone who would like one is welcome to get in touch.

West London

You don't have to travel the world to see or meet the world's population. A sunny afternoon in Holland Park, London and everyone you walk past is speaking a different language, wearing some strange outfit, looking at home in a country that is clearly not their original homeland. No one appears to think about this; there is total acceptance of one another. Really it's quite amazing when more than half the world is at war because people aren't the same. Here no one is the same, and yet there is total peace and harmony - effortlessly.

Coming to this part of London is another eye-opening experience. Such a kaleidoscope. Great wealth alongside hidden poverty; traditional establishment alongside funky, whacky fashion culture. I'm staying right beside Portobello Road, now apparently an "international institution", famous for its market stalls.

Yesterday I spent the morning wandering through Kensington Gardens, the public grounds really of Kensington Palace, home of Princess Diana. I was very struck when I visited the palace by a strong sense of the person she was and the life she lived, and why her death had such an impact. She represented a very unusual fusion of beauty and innocence, power and fragility, status and ordinariness; she brought a natural compassion and concern to many suffering people and touched many, many lives - she lived a life of enormous privilege and yet suffered herself and never forgot the humanity in people around her. She may have worn her heart on her sleeve to a degree that wasn't helpful, her hurt and anger spilling out in public attacks of the Royal Family; and she may have been looking too desperately for love and affection to have maintained stability and dignity within her private life, but she was I think a great light in the darkness of many people's lives.

I was struck too by the protection that royal status gives. Through palaces, status, position, title, material abundance, members of such a family are elevated to a degree where ordinary concerns are not the focus of their lives and they are free - if they choose - to be of tremendous service in the world. Whether they are or not must depend on motivation rather than opportunity. Handling such enormous privilege without becoming spoilt, degraded or indifferent to others takes a level of training and education that is easily overlooked by those who simply envy the material aspect of this life. Carrying the projections of so many people and being expected to turn up and preside over so many events.... not an easy job.

So - I am in another world again. Continuing to focus on Tara and in particular Tara protecting from Sickness and inner disturbance. As the practice has deepened with this one, so it is emerging that her main activity relates to the kinds of sickness caused by environmental problems. Cholera, typhoid, malaria, dysentry, plague: diseases that aren't a big problem in the west on the whole, but are responsible for high mortality and epidemics in other parts of the world. It no longer seems appropriate to take this Tara to France, but I remain open-minded and will see what arises as the journey with this Tara continues....

Letting Go

Today has been a teaching on letting go. There is something about Samye Ling that exposes you to yourself, that peels back the layers and sticks pins in the parts that you like to keep hidden. It's very uncomfortable and there are times when you feel like you could be going slightly crazy - this morning was one of those times. After a night of interruptions and a lot of wakefulness as a result, I got up grumpy and mildly resentful of my friend sleeping in the room above: so I decided to go for a morning run. Helpful, but because your energy moves more quickly as a result, the mind can also shift very quickly between different states - so by the time I was at Samye Ling, I was feeling really annoyed and claustrophobic: aware that the strong habit people have to cling to each other shuts life down and creates strange control dramas. I can do it, but others can do it too. Perhaps we all do it to greater or lesser degrees - often unconsciously and always with fear and insecurity at the root.

Whenever i feel "trapped" by someone else's need or expectation, i get anxious - and confused and guilty. Which sooner or later develops into resentment and anger and the need to get the hell out. The original fear is that, if I don't play the game that they are unconsciously imposing, I expose them to their anxiety and get a whole load of shit as a result of that.

I'm sure it works the other way around too. That I can impose control within a situation or relationship in an attempt to make it behave the way i want it to, to feel secure, to feel the ground beneath my feet and a sense of relaxed confidence and assurance.

Last night, in the middle of the night, I had a strong experience of absolutely not being who i think i am. The memories, thoughts, ideas of "me, Anna" were like wallpaper: a thin veneer that creates a whole impression and seems to be all there is, but in fact the truth behind the wallpaper is where i really need to look to know who i am. Looking behind the wallpaper, there was plaster and a brick wall....and then there was huge empty space. The vastness and emptiness of who i really am (and you really are) was a relief, a surprise and yet incredibly familiar. Everything that I think i am is just an attempt to squeeze shape into this space and hold onto that shape for dear life. Agony!! Pointless and futile.

Nevertheless, coming into relationship with that vast emptiness is a bit scary once you leave the safety of the four walls where that experience showed itself. You sort of realise there's no self to protect, but the self is still there - and makes its presence felt through various antics. Behaviour at this point could become psychotic!! simply because the self needs to make its presence felt in larger and more extreme, desperate ways.

The secret of course is to relax - and to breathe. And to keep letting go. Keep letting go of the feelings that crash in, of the impulses to act stuff out. Keep relaxing into the space of being no one, not who you thought you were. A bit of sadness, of grieving the loss of something familiar; a lot of unknown stretching ahead; give up the dreams, the stories; the attempts to be someone, have something, reach somewhere.

Someone rings that i don't know, whose obviously annoyed with me and leaves an aggressive, demanding message. I want to make sure I don't do what he says. Don't give in to his demands. I feel challenged by his attack.... and a bit scared. Then i try to put into practice what i've been studying this week: breathing in the negativity and allowing it to transform within the tender heart that lies behind the reactions. Abandon fear, abandon anger, abandon pride.... how can i make this person happy and at peace without becoming a doormat? It seemed that the right response involved a serious amount of fearless letting go - on many levels. So I tried it: it hurt, but only because of the attachment; and I was amazed at how quickly this stranger changed from aggressive tyrant to open, friendly young man. Almost instant. What a teaching. What a teacher! I felt shaken afterwards and tearful, but only because i'd experienced how strong i can hold on, and how much letting go is an answer that i resist... and how truly "nothing" i really am and need to be in order to be free.