Tara on Tour

Tara is the female Buddha of compassion and wisdom. This is a webdiary of a journey inspired by Tara....

Name:
Location: Edinburgh, United Kingdom

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Retreat

I've just come to the end of the third week of this month's White Tara retreat - this was definitely the most intense so far, partly because of what was coming up in my mind, but also because I chose to do it under much stricter conditions of near-complete silence and solitude. I used to think retreat was a blissful haven, an escape from the world, a time of peace and carefree joy. I think it probably is if you've made a lot of spiritual progress, but for the likes of ordinary samsaric beings like myself, it can be a rough old ride. A bit like a trip to the dental hygienist....

The reason being that, without the usual distractions of life and because of the purity of the practice (the lineage, the prayers, the deity's blessing), a great deal of CRAP gets exposed!! Happily this is the very point of retreat, and indeed of practice, but it can get very uncomfortable and downright painful. The secret is to keep going. Trusting that in doing so, all this dug-up material will gradually transform into the positive qualities of wisdom, understanding, compassion.

So last week I had to confront lots of difficult, sticky stuff around relationships - and particularly around having children. I have found myself in the early stages of what could definitely be described as a relationship, and the issue of children has already come up. When asked if I wanted them, interestingly I really didn't know. Couldn't find an answer. Except to feel that this was a massive block of fear.

So - into the silent week to meet that fear.

On the way, I looked into why it is I mistrust and fear relationships so much - and experience them as confusing and painful things as often as I experience them as rich, rewarding, happy things. "A Course in Miracles" gave me the answer ... put into words the emotional realisation I've gradually had over the years but not been able to articulate clearly. It seems that most of us seek "dream relationships", and as soon as we are in one, or meet someone we are very attracted to, a whole drama kicks off. This is basically an ego-drama: the ego gets very attached to the object of its "affection", dreaming dreams of happy futures, of security within its "special relationship". The problem is that, if the ego's dreams aren't fulfilled, it gets very angry and the love turns to hate in a matter of seconds, Mr or Miss Wonderful is suddenly blacker than the devil him/herself, accused and blamed, attacked and rejected. The ego does not love at all. It uses another person to prop itself up, and if that other person doesn't comply, there's all hell to play.

I see that dynamic in myself - perhaps to a lesser extreme than might be in the crazed jealous ex-lover who decides to kill the person they love so no one else can have them - but it is there nonetheless. And every time I see it in myself, I know I am harming the other person.

It's very, very uncomfortable to observe and own up to this. But it explains a lot of the insanity that comes over me, and many other people, as soon as the prospect or reality of a dream relationship appears. I can contain it better than I could, but it's still there -

However, all is not lost!! It seems that, although trying to make these dream relationships work is doomed to failure - if you're lucky. If you succeed, it's likely to end up being a really destructive, unhappy scenario - this does not mean that relationships should be abandoned and discarded. They can be transformed. They can be made "holy". This seems to come about naturally as a result of the spiritual journey we undertake for ourselves, where we seek to overcome the distorting, damaging impact of the ego and open ourselves to the real love inside. Which is not dependent on anyone else for its happiness or peace or security. It is what is there already - and it is something we can share with another. To really love is to be secure within oneself, unattached in terms of needing another, and therefore open to who they really are - and what they do, whether we like it or not. We don't lose ourselves in another in the vain hope that we will be complete through loving another... we are already found and so the other is always and eternally free. Just as are we.

So these fresh insights help me to come back to some senses as I embark on another new relationship. A little more aware and perhaps able to pre-empt some of the dangers and pitfalls rather than hurl myself headlong into them. we'll see.

Meanwhile, the issue of children.... another day. Interesting one!

None of this of course has very much to do with Karmapa himself, and protecting his long life! Except that whenever any of us do practice and overcome a few more of the obstacles that obscure realisation/enlightenment, he is fulfilling his purpose in being here. He is here for us. Having attained enlightenment there is no further need for him to be here for himself; he is here because of the promise to help beings to enlightenment, to alleviate suffering and its causes. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own enlightenment, but with the blessing and help of beings such as Karmapa, we are going to make much swifter and more certain progress. In doing this retreat for Karmapa, I have come to realise how much more he is doing for me - without perhaps even knowing that I exist.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

White Tara

White Tara is, strictly speaking, not one of the 21 Taras. Like Green Tara, she arose from the tears of Avalokiteshvara, Lord of Compassion, but she is rather different. More associated with spiritual life and spiritual practice, she is perhaps more "enigmatic" and harder to connect with than Green Tara whose activity is direct, dynamic and more engaged in worldly life. White Tara bestows long life. Sometimes known as "Tara who cheats death", there are many stories of how she has prolonged life expectancy, and it is said that those who fully realise White Tara never die. Whether this refers to maintaining life in the one physical body, or attaining a level of realisation that no longer identifies with the physical self and so is free from the suffering within the cycle of birth and death, I'm not entirely sure. Be nice to find out!

Although White Tara is distinct from Green Tara, within the pantheon of 21 Taras, we find Tara protecting from Untimely Death. She is white in colour, and holds a vase of longevity: she protects and maintains a spiritual life and will establish the right conditions - be they health, prosperity, a peaceful environment - for spiritual practice and activity.

Back in January, I heard that His Holiness Karmapa had issued a statement saying that in 2/3 years' time, there would be obstacles to his life - and to the life of His Holiness the Dalai Lama. To help avert these obstacles, we were asked to protect and save life wherever possible, and to avoid killing. This helps to establish causes and conditions for long life. In practical terms, we were asked to eat as vegetarian a diet as we could.

It was whilst doing a session of White Tara prayers soon afterwards that I had a strong wish to do a month's White Tara practice for Karmapa. Having asked Ringu Tulku's permission and received his blessing, I began on 1st February.... and so am just over half way through. Several days into the retreat, I realised Tara protecting from Untimely Death was relevant to this practice and that, by "merging" them, the blessing of both increased. A couple of days ago, the inspiration to place this 18th Tara came: I will take her to Holy Island, Arran, where a retreat house dedicated to Karmapa has already been built and which awaits the time for him to come and do retreat. Karmapa himself has expressed a particular wish to do this.

Meanwhile, tonight I start a 7-day period of silence and solitude: intensifying the practice and undoubtedly bringing to the surface some fears and demons for liberation! Amongst other things, I have met a rather wonderful man who - through simply being who he is and perhaps because of our connection - is bringing me right up against a "growing edge", and represents somehow an opportunity to go beyond old patterns of denial, of misery in relationships, of non-commitment. It's painful to meet the swirling vortex of these patterns and I'm grateful for this opportunity to release the negative energy locked in them and open to the light. Not sure how much progress I'll make, but White Tara willing.....

That's it for now.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Today




Tara on Tour

Oh dear.... it's been nearly 3 months since the last entry. I've been working in the local pharmacy and not found the right time/mental space to sit and write. Apologies to all those following the story of Tara's travels, who may have felt I'd abandoned everything. Not at all: the Taras have been sent out on their various missions....

Tara protecting from Lions has gone to Kerala, India - to join Sarah Mahoney in an ashram out there.

Tara protecting from Snakes was a very unexpected placement. "Snakes" refers to all forms of poisons and toxins, as well as to scorpions, snakes themselves and other animals whose venom can harm or kill. Within the mind, this Tara protects from wrong views and from dullness of mind. Working in a pharmacy, you see quite a few drug addicts who are trying to come off heroin and are on prescription methadone. There was one customer in particular, a young girl, with whom I felt a lot of connection. She seemed very bright and switched on: someone who had a real future if she chose it. She was a known shoplifter and one particular day came in when the pharmacy was busy and moved swiftly round the shelves, picking up items and pocketing them or putting them back. It's quite an artform! The pharmacist confronted her and she pleaded innocent, got upset and flushed and left in a hurry. There was no question looking at the CCTV that she had been shoplifting. Within the pharmacy, we were all divided as to what to do. Should she be banned? Should she be given another chance? It was decided to give her another chance.... to tell her what we knew, what evidence we had, and to make sure that when she came in, she sat within view, took her medication and left. She still denied shoplifting, but agreed - and there appeared to be no further problems. I was very surprised to get the internal message during Tara practice that I should give Tara protecting from Snakes to this girl. Not a particularly easy task actually, since there are always so many people around and anyway, what on earth would she think??? So I prayed that Tara remove any obstacles to my doing this if this was her real wish. It took two days. That particular afternoon, she came in early and the locum pharmacist just happened to be out for about 15 minutes. Everything was quiet - no customers. No other colleagues. No one. It was bizarre and I couldn't ignore the significance of this. So, with heart pounding, I took Tara to this girl and gave her. She looked surprised, bemused and then read the card and smiled warmly and happily. Job done. So I pray that Tara will help her and work with her to overcome her addiction and find a new, positive direction in her life.

Having given this Tara, the time had come for the most wrathful emanation of Tara - Tara protecting from War and from the darkest, most negative forms of mind and behaviour. Wrathful Tara is black in colour and sits with hair flaming, holding a phurba (a ritual dagger that cuts through illusion and negativity) directly in front of her heart. I have to confess I was a bit nervous about this one. Given that she protects from genocide, black magic and the worst kinds of atrocity imaginable, I didn't know where this one would lead me. In fact, it was very straightforward. She has gone to Africa, with Choden and Lama Yeshe, and will be left either in Zimbabwe or in South Africa. As I write this, I remember that I gave my phurba to Lama Yeshe after I'd finished a month's retreat under his guidance. Lama has been the most wrathful teacher in my life; cutting ruthlessly through so many of my dreams and throwing me out of the monastery on more than one occasion for inappropriate behaviour with certain monks. I shouldn't be saying this, but it was true. I was in love on both occasions and firmly committed to the belief that there was nothing wrong with loving someone, or being with someone - and that sometimes relationships were every bit as spiritual as monastic life was. More so, at times. Not a problem. Except these two men were both monks at the time - with life vows - and being with them meant breaking a commitment that is not undertaken lightly in the first place and that is considered infinitely more precious than any relationship with a woman. Looking back, I cannot believe I was so naive, and so headstrong - but the karma involved in these situations was overwhelming and in a way I had no choice. There was right and wrong in my view and behaviour. And there has perhaps been no teaching more direct or more personal than the one I received through these experiences, and in relation to Lama Yeshe. I went through utter hell. Lama put me there. That was how I saw it, but perhaps he just put me right into the heart of the fire that was burning me up in hell anyway. For all the pain and devastation, persecution and some false accusations, there was something deep between myself and Lama Yeshe - and eventually, after many years and many tears, a few arguments and a determined refusal to "leave" or give up, all the negativity passed away and something very different took its place.

So - whilst he is not directly responsible for the placing of this particular Tara, it is very appropriate that he should be travelling with her. Choden is one of his monks, and a close friend of mine - with whom I shared a cottage in Edinburgh during the turbulent months he spent trying to make up his mind whether or not to go back and take robes. Oddly, for all that I had felt that the monks I had loved should leave their robes, I had an equally strong feeling that Sean should become a monk again. Which made me feel less of a monastery-wrecker. Sean (now Choden) is South African and knows the story of that land. He also has a strong connection with Tara and is very much the right person for this job.

Which brings me to the one I am working with now. Tara protecting from untimely death. She is very similar to White Tara, who bestows long life, health, merit and wisdom. Tara protecting from untimely death also protects from any opposition to spiritual practice, and to maintaining a strong spiritual life. A curious thing has happened in relation to this one. White Tara and this particular emanation of Green Tara have merged into one. On hearing that Karmapa warned that there were obstacles to his life, I was inspired to do some White Tara prayers..... during this session, there came a kind of strong intuition/wish/message that I should do a month's White Tara retreat for Karmapa. I approached Ringu Tulku who gave his blessing and had 10 days to give up my job and prepare myself and the house for a month's retreat. It all fell into place and happened easily and quickly.... and that is what I am currently doing. Sitting with White Tara and the emanation of Green Tara protecting from untimely death.

It is a great blessing and joy to do practice like this - and I wish all of you reading this the blessing of this practice too. If you wish to bring it more alive, you can recite the mantra and visualise good health, healing, positive conditions and long life coming to you and to anyone you would like to pray for:

OM TARE TUTTARE TURE MAMA AYU PUNYE JNANA PUSHTIM KURU SO HA