Reflections

Tara on Tour

It's been a while since the last entry and I've turned 40 in the interim. Hmmmmm. Was not looking forward to this birthday but now that it's happened, I'm free of that particular hurdle.

Today I am full of hormones - the ones that make you bleed, feel sick, tired and with a head of mush. Being a woman is no joke and in many ways I can see why people used to pray to be reborn as a man so they could get on with spiritual practice without such hindrances. However, there is the other view, which I'm more inclined to adopt. Obstacles, hindrances and suffering can greatly speed up the process of enlightenment - because they act as the spur to engage in spiritual practice in the first place, and because they give ample opportunity to transform energies. Within every challenge is a huge opportunity for growth, understanding, wisdom, strength... and indeed it's the challenges that are the very source of the blessing we seek. So thank you body.... in being so quintessentially female, and in being out of balance, you are opening me to challenges and blessings that have hitherto been unknown!

I have stopped seeing this as an obstacle to this Peace Pilgrimage, and now see it as an integral part of it. There to teach and guide and direct the whole process. It's as if my old rational, controlled and goal-oriented approach, which could be regarded as more "masculine" in its style, is no longer able to be in the driving seat.... and something much more feminine has taken over. So much so that I find myself wanting to simply stay at home, look after a house, a husband, children and not be bothered with any sort of effort to engage in the world and make my own living. What a confession!! Feminism and emancipation are wasted on a woman whose hormones just say "being a woman is about caves, birthing and nurturing, not hunting and gathering".

So much do I feel this right now that I am even wondering if infertility and other such problems might be linked to the strong urges women seem to have to be out fighting in the workplace under the same demands and rigours as their male colleagues. What does it really do to our bodies and minds as women when we go against our biology? Some would argue for the healthy balance of masculine and feminine energies within the one person - and that this is what makes a whole, balanced and fully funcioning individual. I used to think like that. At the moment I'm no longer so sure.

Certainly - on a slightly different tangent - strong surges of hormones reduces any desire to be engaging with worldly activities, no matter how pleasurable they might be to the senses. This is boring for others, but great from the point of view of "turning the mind to the Dharma". All I want to do is do Tara practice, read, write a bit, chill and hang out with friends/family in ways that don't demand much effort! Very valuable for the third Tara who protects against the temptations of various desires..... she must be at work.

Attachment

Tara on Tour

A favourite Buddhist word! The Third Tara specifically helps to free us from the suffering of attachment/desire. The last two days have been a reminder of how strongly we cling to an idea of a separate self that needs all sorts of things to relax and be happy. Personally, I have felt the tension of "clinging" very acutely and the raw fear behind and within that tendency of the mind. At times of great change or uncertainty, it can be difficult to stay relaxed and I've noticed that each time I go through such a period, I become very aware of how much I cling to an idea of who I am. Not consciously - but unconsciously. Travelling from place to place, interacting with different people all the time, is a massive teaching: it's impossible to stay fixed on oneself for very long. The constant interplay between 'self' and the outside world means that the experience of who one is is always changing. One day I am spending time with my mother and I am this way; the next day with my brother somewhere else and I am another way; the following day with a total stranger in the street and suddenly I see and experience life differently once again. All the conditioned ways of being are available in a rolling succession of opportunities! Also present is the opportunity to just BE..... which is the truth behind all the superficial stuff anyway, but dropping into the moment without self-consciousness and just an open acceptance of all that is without judgement ... that's a wonderful experience. With anyone.

I've been reading about and contemplating "emptiness" again today.The reality of "no-self" - at least of no independently existing, separate self. The feminine is said to take us close to the truth of emptiness - emptiness is wisdom and wisdom is synonymous with the enlightened feminine energy.

Wisdom helps us to see clearly the nature of conditioned existence and to realise that it isn't what we think it is. The dawning of understanding/realisation is often accoompanied by fear, because our old ideas and beliefs are being undermined. We spend so much energy trying to tie things down - homes, people, money, religions, our diaries, the future - and fail to appreciate that the true nature of all phenomena is such that this is impossible. Initially we refuse to change our view and our attachment gets stronger: we get stressed, angry, petrified, when our attempts to be in control continue to fail. If we're lucky, we'll give up at some point and just relax: and how often is it that everything works out just fine when we do?!

Being out of control is really uncomfortable for the ego - which believes it is the self. But sometimes, when we really let go of control, something else takes over - a kind of spontaneous, fresh, aliveness. Why do laughing, dancing, making love make us feel so good? Because the ego is out of control and the true spirit - which can never be identified or described or nailed down - is suddenly free. To play. To flow. Not resisting, but merging with a sense of wonder and magic that doesn't seem to be a part of us - but is in truth the inner source of our Being.

Being "safe" enough to let go of control is something I notice I look for.... which is rather like a tiger chasing its tail. Sometimes that's sensible, because there might be some difficult consequences to, say, dancing naked down Marylebone Road in a wild, abandoned state of freedom. But in my own case, I cling more than is healthy to control - and in my contemplations of the day, can really see that there is nothing to cling to. It's a pointless activity that leads to tension and suffering. If "I" and all that I cling to don't really exist in a graspable way, it would be better to stop the habit. Difficult of course, but awareness is always the key.....

"The flood of attachment"....so it was once described by the first Dalai Lama. Third Tara helps to liberate us from this.

River Thames

Tara on Tour

"I do not know much about gods; but I think that the river
Is a strong brown god - sullen, untamed and intractable.
Patient to some degree, at first recognised as a frontier;
Useful, untrustworthy, as a conveyor of commerce;
Then only a problem confronting the builder of bridges.
The problem once solved, the brown god is almost forgotten
By the dwellers in cities - ever, however, implacable. Keeping the seasons and rages, destroyer, reminder
Of what men choose to forget. Unhonoured, unpropitiated
By worshippers of the machine, but waiting, watching and waiting"

- T.S. Eliot: The Dry Salvages -


Travelling by boat along the River Thames on a gentle summer's day, it's easy to be lulled into a false sense of security about this river - or any river. Eliot's words hint at the dark depths and murky pasts so many rivers conceal beneath their dappling, rippling waters.

And the River Thames is no exception. In the 18th Century, the Thames was one of the busiest waterways in the world, putting London at the centre of the huge, mercantile British Empire. It was during this time, however, that one of the worst river disasters in England took place when, in 1878, a crowded pleasure boat collided with another boat - killing 640 people. Before that, in what became known as the 'Great Stink' of 1858, sittings at the House of Commons in Westminster were abandoned due to the appaling stench rising from the polluted river waters. This incident propelled the city into a major engineering programme to tackle the sewage problem, and giant sewers were constructed on both sides of the river embankment under the supervision of Joseph Bazalgette.

We think of the Thames as a dirty river today, but in fact it is relatively clean. Not only have the sewage problems been largely resolved, but the tremendous hammering the river took during the days when London was a major world port are over: rail and road transportation have largely taken the place of rivers and even the old Port of London has been moved downstream out of the heart of the city to Tilbury.

Flooding has always been a feature of life on the Thames. But it wasn't until 1953 when over 300 people were drowned as the Thames experienced its worst flood ever that London set about trying to keep the water levels stable. Whilst most of the damage was to the estuary area, around Canvey Island, the absence of any flood defences to speak of at the time meant that London was suddenly on red alert. Attempts to construct a suitable flood defence began, but failed because of the number of huge commercial vessels going up and down the river; the openings in any flood barrier needed to be so wide that the project just wasn't feasible. However, as the commercial use of the river dwindled and after the Port of London moved downstream to Tilbury, it was conceivable to construct an effective defence. So in 1974 work began on what has become the world's largest movable flood defence - the Thames Barrier.

It took 10 years to complete and cost over £500 million, but it is a magnificent feat of water engineering and has even been described as the eighth wonder of the world.

I took a boat out from Greenwich to see it for myself. It's always a joy to be on the river, and gives a fascinating perspective of the city. Leaving Greenwich, the boat passed the Royal Naval College - now home to Trinity College of Music; the infamous Millenium Dome (bought by an American to be turned into a casino); London Docklands and then the Barrier itself. Nine great concrete piers stretch across the river; each one buried 50 ft below river level on solid chalk foundations and some weighing 1500 tonnes. It takes 40 minutes to turn the wheels to raise or lower the flood wall and at any given time, one or more stretches of the wall will be lowered. The Thames is most at risk from flooding due to tidal surges that happen out in the North Sea: these occasionally find their way into the estuary and result in sudden rises in water level. It's clear that the Thames Barrier has provided very good protection in recent years, but that further defences are needed for the future. Either strengthening of the existing ones, or very probably a new one out at the mouth of the Thames.

It's at the mouth of the Thames where the Third Tara will be placed....but first, there is a little more of Old Father Thames to be explored.

London

Tara on Tour

I reached London this morning, after a meandering journey down through Yorkshire, Manchester, Leamington and Oxford. I'm at my brother's flat now in West Hampstead. It's good to be back, but the first feelings have been sad and tears have flowed as photos of Dad remind me that he's not here anymore. This is the first time I've been back since he died, and the last time I saw him was here - when we stayed at the flat together here; Rupert and I were looking after him while Juliet was away in Italy for a week. I remember looking at him for the last time as he sat in the armchair wondering if I'd see him again. Dad didn't really engage with the reality of his dying, which helped in some ways because it allowed us all to be in the present moment and to live the life that was manifesting there and then. But it didn't make conversation very easy and I always felt we were avoiding the subject of what was actually going on - because the feelings around it were frightening and difficult. I always had a lot of feeling around and for Dad, and he found this uncomfortable - which tended to create tension, resulting in misunderstanding and the occasional extreme outburst of emotion from me!!

Relationships with parents are very deep and the connections very strong. Coming back into the "stream" of family is usually an emotional time for me and I often dread it. Not because there is anything fundamentally wrong with anyone - in fact, I have a very good family - but because of the conflict within myself. Between belonging and not belonging. Between loving and being driven mad. Between wanting to "stay" and to be with everyone and needing to leave and go my own way. I was a psychological and emotional mess for many, many years and whether this was caused by family dynamics or contributed to them isn't really very clear. Probably both. It's been a tough, painful and often lonely path trying to work with all the "stuff" but I am grateful to have had the opportunity to do so - and aware that much of the pain and confusion was/is simply the result of being a human being. Ultimately there is no blame or fault anywhere: we are, as humans, caught in the multiple webs of "ignorance" and do all sorts of things to each other which are unskilful and hurtful, as well as kind and loving.

Buddhist regard the human realm as a "blessed rebirth", because there is the opportunity to make real progress in terms of understanding the true nature of mind/reality. This is because of suffering. In some of the other realms, such as the "god realm" where everything is wonderful the entire time and people have a period of living without suffering, there is no motivation to change. The problem is that eventually the karma for such an experience is exhausted and the shock of falling to less pleasant realms is very great - and there are no resources to cope with this. So - although the human realm is full of suffering, this acts as a spur to make the kind of changes that will one day bring about the end of illusory mind and the dawning of enlightened mind.

So - suffering is good! Or rather, it is inevitable - and therefore, from the spiritual point of view, a good thing if it triggers a willingness to turn away from the traps and temptations and empty pleasures of worldly life. Many people feel that religions are punishing, that they breed a kind of miserable, bitter self-denial or that they condemn people if people don't follow the rules. This does happen, but I think this happens because spiritual truth in the hands of ordinary people leads to misinterpretation, misunderstanding and all sorts of strange behaviour and ideas. From my understanding of Buddhism, there is nothing wrong with worldly life - it's just that it is a false god, and will offer us nothing of any substance at the end of the day if it is pursued for itself alone. We are not ultimately worldy beings; we are spiritual beings living a worldy existence for a short period of time. And our suffering comes when the bigger picture of reality impinges on our ideas of how things should be... it opens us, therefore, to the Truth.

It's often said that the Truth is far too much for us to bear. The light too bright. The experience too shattering. When we die, we have an experience of this light. Buddhism talks about this as a point of liberation. If we recognise this light, and recognise it as ourselves, we are liberated from the compulsory cycle of birth and death, from karma. Most of us are afraid when we see the light and prefer what is familiar: we shy away and are once again caught on the winds of karma, destined to take rebirth somewhere. In a human realm if we are fortunate.

I had a strange experience last week whilst at Samye Ling that made me think of this teaching. It was whilst I was in the Guru Rinpoche empowerment ceremony, and had gone up to the teacher leading the initiation for a blessing. This always reminds me of going up to take communion with a priest. After his blessing, we all moved along a line of lamas who held sacred objects and individually touched us on the head or hands with each one. Towards the end of the line, one of the lamas appeared to make the sign of the cross above my head before pouring some amrita (blessed drink) into my hand. I was so shocked and all of a sudden everything in my mind stopped and there was just an experience of incredible light. I was frightened by this - and turned away from it. It would have overwhelmed me completely and ended every idea I had about myself.

When I was reminded of the death experience, and of this point of liberation, I realised perhaps this was a glimpse of the same thing. And like most people, I was not prepared for it, not able to take advantage of this experience - and so returned to ordinary view and "myself". It's a shame!! But it's also very useful to see what happened. And to appreciate how hard it really is to get beyond the mind that grasps so strongly at its self-constructed reality. This is perhaps why spiritual traditions encourage us to train our minds, to prepare ourselves, for these moments of unexpected liberation - so that one day, we can merge with this light and go beyond the illusion and limitations of ordinary mind.

Meanwhile.... as far as the Tara Peace Pilgrimage is concerned, I'm closer now to the placing of the Third Tara. She who is concerned with water-related dangers..

Water element

Tara on Tour

I've reached the south of England and am close to the area where the Third Tara will be placed. It's clear that water-related problems affect far more places in the world than problems arising from the extreme activity of other elements. But it's also clear that all the elements are interrelated, and whilst one element may manifest in an extreme way (through floods, monsoons, tsunamis, etc), it is the imbalance in the relationship between the elements that is often the source of the problems that occur.

With respect to water, it seems that the balance between the life-sustaining and life-threatening qualities of water is particularly delicate. Many people choose to live in and around water: in fact over half the world's population lives by the sea, on rivers, estuaries or close to water. Not only does this traditionally provide water for domestic use, it has also been one of the major ways in which goods can be transported and economies can trade. It is perhaps not surprising therefore to find that problems with water dominate the lives of so many people.

Many civilisations have grown up around rivers and low-lying deltas: Egypt, China and Bangladesh are all parts of the world that depend heavily on their rivers, but are frequently at the mercy of their unpredictable behaviour. In 1988, 62% of the land in Bangladesh was under water when the Rivers Brahmaputra and Ganges burst their banks, pouring through villages, uprooting millions of people and killing over 2000. Last year, heavy rains and floodwater from India and Nepal caused some of the worst flooding Bangladesh has seen.

In China, the problems are even worse. Millions of people live along the River Yangtze and the Yellow River: flooding is common,and often severe. So bad is it for the peasants living close to the Yellow River that the river is known as "China's Sorrow". Regular flooding of the land generates very fertile soil, which is one of the great attractions of such areas, but the price to pay during monsoon times is often enormous. In 1991, the River Yangtze flooded an area 4/5 the size of Britain, killing thousands and making over a million people homeless.

Apart from the obvious devastation of loss of life, home, crops, animals and property, flooding brings other problems. In particular, disease. Without fresh water supplies, and with sewage systems (however primitive) ruptured, contaminated water becomes a real source of danger. Many more people die from the complications associated with floods than they do from the floods themselves.

The great engineering breakthrough of the last century produced the world's first dams. These promised to solve some of the problems of flooding and to exert some control over water's unpredictable and devastating power. The Old Aswan Dam, for example, significantly reduced the water problems along the Nile Delta in Egypt. It produced hydroelectric power, water for industry, sustainable agriculture throughout the year and an increase in the availability of safe domestic water. What no one foresaw were the long-term effects of controlling the rivers to that degree: Man's ingenuity had once again stopped short of understanding the full picture and what had seemed a blessing was being suddenly being hailed a curse as coastlines eroded, the sardine industry failed, soil lost its fertility and plagues of dangerous parasites were spawned.

Providing adequate protection for people and land on a long-term basis when it comes to water has so far proved an impossible task.

For those of us living in the Western world, floods have undoubtedly been a feature of life, but rarely on the scale of such countries as Egypt and the East. This may be about to change. As sea levels rise with the impact of global warming, so many of us face a very real battle with encroaching seas and rising water levels in rivers. In Britain, the area most under threat is the south-east of England, which is already slowly sinking into the sea, but which would suffer huge losses of land were sea levels to rise even by a little. Parts of Norfolk, Sussex, Essex, Kent are all vulnerable - and as the sea flows into the River Thames, even London will become waterlogged.

The River Thames has a long and colourful history; and it passes through some of the most beautiful towns and countryside in the south-east. It's a river that I know very well and have lived on for much of my life. It seems poignant to have chosen this part of the world, and this river in particular, for the placing of the Third Tara. Over the next week or so, I will be making something of a pilgrimage to various important points along the Thames, discovering some of its history, its beauty and its significance as a lifeline for what is currently one of the most affluent areas of the country.